Some Personal Thoughts on Courtship

I believe the purpose of any relationship is to aim toward marriage; if that potential isn't present, then the relationship has nowhere to go. So, while obviously not every relationship is destined to actually end in marriage, I take the concept very seriously, and for that reason prefer the term "courtship" over "datng."

Several years ago I started off with a very draconian list of, well, perhaps "requirements" is the best word, for what I was seeking in a potential partner. What I present here is a remnant of that, reformatted with the understanding that, while "requirements" are quite appropriate when, say, purchasing a computer, they are much less so when being applied to living human beings (although, just for the record, the "alive" part is a hard an fast requirement, as opposed to being dead, or a zombie, or any other weird idea my roommates came up with for me when we talked about this one late night during first semester of 2006).

I am looking for someone who...

• is female
• is single
• is a potential marriage partner, and sees marriage as a reasonable possibility within the next several years (even if neither of us would be ready today)
• is willing to commit to a non-sexual long-term relationship before marriage
• is someone with whom I can picture myself in our old age, still madly in love
• is someone I can picture as the mother of our children
• has at least some number of common interests
• is relatively easy to converse with, be it in person, on the phone, or through electronic mediums
• views communication as essential to relationship-building, and is willing to discuss and work through any potential problems together
• has thought about their faith, even if they are not necessarily Christian
• isn't afraid to talk about the "why"s of their beliefs
• has thought about their political position, or at least doesn't blindly take a party line without having first examined it
• is somewhat spontaneous
• is sometimes / often willing to put friends before work
• is a fun person!
• is attractive, inside and out
• is confident
• is not superficial
• is not a vegetarian or vegan
• does not take relationships lightly
• does not smoke
• does not drink in excess
• does not use profanity in excess
• is not perfect

Now obviously just because someone doesn't happen to fit everything in this silly list doesn't mean they're "out of the running," I just think of this as a broad set of ideas (this is particularly worth noting for the vegetarian line - I have nothing against vegetarians, it's merely a consideration of practicality, but it certainly doesn't mean I would outright refuse to enter into a relationship with someone who didn't eat meat).

It's worth noting I am generally attracted to people whom I view as more emotionally and spiritually mature, as well as more intelligent, than myself. Such an assessment is based entirely on my own perception, irrespective of whether the individual in question views themselves in the same light. Again, not a hard and fast "rule" by any means, just an observation.

More importantly than anything I've said above, there are two questions that I force myself to ask when considering whether to pursue a relationship with someone:

1. Is she the right woman for me?
2. Am I the right man for her?

These may seem trivial, but their implication is tremendous. From an ego-centric viewpoint, the first is the most important. The question goes beyond whether this is someone I find attractive, it's a question of whether this is someone I'm actually compatable with: is this someone with whom I could spend my life? Do her personality traits match up with what I'm looking for? Is she 'the one' for me?

If the first question can be answered affirmatively, the second question must be asked (it's taken me many years to understand the crucial issue of respect and caring behind this additional question). Just because I may think someone is the perfect match for me, that doesn't by necessity imply that I'm the perfect match for her. An honest assessment of my own compatability with her means being willing to admit if I would be unable to fulfill the unique supportive roles she needs and deserves. Answering "no" is a very difficult, yet sometimes necessary, realization.